What’s eating…?

 

My 5 am Rhodies

  …Us?  Trogoautoegocrat. 

I’m resentful too. Lord help me manage better I pray IJN

What can I say?

This year’s peonies. Will I see next year’s?

I’m really tired and disconnected. Jessi’s help me find my being. Keep me working. Make me kind. I am grateful. Such a beautiful world. Thinking of Monty and father often.   Help me run the race competently. IJN

Medical complaints

 

Photo by I on walk home today

I’ve been complaining about my cardiologist’s poor  bedside manner, with the caveat that I hope he’s a good diagnostician anyway. I got a phone call from one of his PA’s saying he wanted me to have iron infusions, suspecting a problem with my TSH although it looked to me like the number was in the right range and I can’t diagnose  I checked it out online and it means thyroid stimulating hormone test so although they didn’t say so they may suspect hyperthyroidism and I’m willing to try the iron infusions that they will prescribe though hopefully not iron pills. 

  Thank you Lord for good medical care in this country and era. 

voluntary, voluptas, delight and will (voluntas),

 

Rain on windshield this am

Begin this rainy medical laden day. We shall see what it brings

Brought a meeting with the codfish doctor. Meaning he has a personality in bedside manner of that animal and that you mentioned it to his receptionist who said he’s not very friendly I can change if I want to, but I said no the rest of the staff is good and I only see him every five years anyway. I just hope he’s a good diagnostic to make up for his affect.  Profunct and insincere personified. Reminds me of that dumb athletic stripper forty years ago who’s dance routine consisted of running around the room in his G string and plucking dollars out of the women’s hands without actually dancing. 

God’s will, tender mercies

 

Grandma by I, 6-8-26

I suppose the tender mercies stand in obvious contrast to the suffering of our days. So we must say thank you for both, I’m told:

I think that the overarching point of this sermon is that everything that ever took place or takes place or will take place is part of God’s will. This means that even the awful and evil things that befall this planet and mankind in its affairs are God’s will. This is not reassuring for most of us, and yet it does indicate that God has inscrutable purposes in everything that happens, which we will never see or understand clearly, being the tiny creatures that we are. And so, standing on the shores, the apparently desolate shores of this vast sea of grief and anguish that we face, being alive on a planet where life is, for most of us in one way or another, quite difficult. How does Meister Eckhart see this question? Well, Sermon 10 is brief, …

“ What does he mean by saying Moses besought the Lord his God? Truly, if God is your Lord, then you must be his servant. And if you then work for your own good or your own pleasure or your own salvation, then indeed you are not his servant, for you seek not only God’s glory but your own profit. Why does he say, the Lord his God? If God wills you to be sick and you want to be well, if God wills that your friend should die and you want him to live contrary to God’s will, then God is not your Lord. If you love God and are sick in God’s name, if your friend dies in God’s name, if he loses an eye in God’s name, with such a man it would indeed be well. But if you are sick and pray to God for health, then health is dearer to you than God, and he is not your God. He is the God of heaven and earth, but not your God.”

And I think you can already see the difficulties with these passages, both the ones we just read and the ones that will follow; because they propose that we assume a form of equanimity in relationship to grievance, sickness, and even death, and that we accept them as God’s will. 

Well, how many of us really do that? 

Do we come to an inner stillness that allows the world, which is God’s will in its entirety, to flow into us without interference? 

Do we form a deep spiritual relationship with that state? 

Is our sensation feminine and receptive enough to receive the world as it is rather than the way we wish it were? I say feminine because Eckhart always refers to the soul as female. 

And indeed, this question is not a matter of our own will and our attitude, but a question of the soul itself and what it is nourished by. And Eckhart proposes, as I think he ever and always does in his sermons, that the soul is best nourished by God’s will, as it is. If we come into alignment with that, this is the highest form of prayer we could achieve. 

Lee van Laer substack Inner Christianity, God’s will, June 6, 2026

So TYJ for all daily bread and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debts leave us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil amen 

Heating up

 

Back on the trail again

  God grant us mercy

doG

Dog park again, Ssturday

 Be in this day with us. I pray I am aware of your presence all day.  Give us courage to love this life boldly and harmoniously with each other. I need help with loviug and accepting my responsibility for others, starting with my loved ones. Be my help I pray. IJN

One to remember and ponder, Lee van Lear Substack, the Morning Five, 6/7/26 Spiritual Molecules:

Hi there, folks. This is Lee, and you’re watching In The Moment, a series of impromptu conversations about life, the Gurdjieff work, and everything else. 

And I’m going to try to wrap up a project that I undertook about, well, I don’t know, two or three months ago about molecular condensates. Boring subject for some of you, I’m sure, but perhaps we’ll find a way to make it a little more exciting today. I don’t know. But because the origins and beginnings of this project are lost in the mists of time and the foggy regions of an ancient brain, I’m going to refer to a couple of notes here just flesh out the beginning. 

Spiritual molecules. 

Well, what the hell are those? 

Well, actually, spiritual molecules, according to Gurdjieff, actually exist. And he talked about them in chapter nine of In Search of the Miraculous, where he indicated that when we breathe the air, we also breathe in particles that are invisible to our scientific instruments. I’m paraphrasing there, but that is what he said. 

And those particles are spiritual molecules, because they can’t be seen by instruments, except for the instrument of the human body, which is a most exquisite tool capable of sensing things, not just on physical, but also metaphysical or, as we might also call them, energetic levels. 

So, why am I bringing this up? 

Well, if you take a look at molecular condensates, biological communities function the same way that molecular condensates do, and spiritual communities function the same way biological communities do, because the material world we live in is a reflection of a spiritual world on a level above it. 

Okay, so our life, both inner and outer, is formed by energies. And alignment means sensing those energies, bringing them into relationships that are harmonically correspondent. That is to say, they make sense together. They produce a better, a more elevated vibration when they are aligned. 

Spiritual molecules do this the same way that molecules and molecular condensates do. They gather together to do work within being. And they gather together temporarily over and over again, even in the same way that it happens in the molecules in your cells. Every single second, they gather together and do work in new and different ways as they interact with one another. 

We call these spiritual molecules values. But the values are actually material things, just like atoms and molecules. When we damage them, they’re hard to repair. 

Human beings were always meant to be consciously aware of their values, but we’ve forgotten how to do that. The sense of the sacred is a sense of those values. The great religions were originally intended to help human beings align these values, but we’ve lost sight of that. 

Well, those are the notes I wrote mixed in with some various other comments. But I think that that captures the essence of it. 

I would like the community to understand that our spiritual molecules function the same way that the molecules in our biological bodies function, and that we need to work on helping them to become properly aligned for our spiritual health. It’s peculiar the way that things work [in a nearly identical way] on every level, and the whole point of embarking on this conversation about molecular condensates was leading towards this point about spiritual molecules. 

There are spiritual elements. 

They form spiritual molecules. 

The values in our life gather themselves together into more elaborate structures on a spiritual plane. 

They do this working in a metaphysical organ called the soul. 

And the soul is a living thing, just like our bodies are living things, which has a beginning, a birth, a lifespan, and a death that we know almost nothing about. 

There are arguments here on this level about whether the soul is ever born or has always been there, and whether it is immortal or not. And we can’t know those things in their true form, as we are here in these earthly bodies. 

But we can sense our spiritual values, our metaphysical elements. We can sense them because this instrument of the body is the tool that was designed and evolved to do that. And if we lose sight of the fact that we are creatures not just of molecular organic nature, but molecular spiritual nature—if we realize this, perhaps we’ll be a little more sensitive to just what kinds of nutrition and nourishment we take in, in terms of spiritual molecules, and how we bring it into relationship in this life. 

That’s what attention is for, is to help our spiritual molecules align with one another better. So that’s more or less it. 

I may have some more comments on this subject in the future, but I’d like to remind everyone of how absolutely material this whole question is in terms of being. 

Webinars today

 

Off east end beaches 

One as what I like, one not so much 

A cried this morning. Feels besieged. I said due was

What today?

 

Together days. Who’s together? who’s happy

Intentional suffering?. Physical suffering this am. I might have taken my Saturday pills yesterday. Doubled ie. I feel weak. It is cold and cloudy. 

DDay. Snoopy cartoon reminded me, how silly. 

Angry and resentful-me

 

Daily “bread” prep

   I awake with bile in my heart this morning.  Why, Lord?  I don’t want to be responsible for other people, especially people who can’t or won’t be responsible for themselves yet whom I claim to love. I resent my physical heart symptoms and leg walking problems. I hate smote hot season with no ac and my responsibility for that, for managing the upkeep of a house. Rage, rage against the dying of the light but take me now, Lord. No don’t take me now. Red stilll needs me. I’m living for my dog!  He doesn’t disappoint or bring me down. L being screwed by SSA. M beaten and paranoid again. C slipping. That’s the report from Cols. yesterday. Another beautiful twenty year with extreme disability/incapability. We all need each other with quiet desperation. We need You, some external omnipotent intervention, but can’t feel it if your help does come. Can’t believe that it will come. Well, what, can we expect for an easy sweet life, with Jesus sent to a cross?  . How expect that?  

    Feeling Afib again, as every other morning dream of teaching school, wringing it, not knowing what I’m dong, two groups of students, one going along with everything I’m doing , the second class challenging  

    Lord lift this burden , I mean help us all to carry it, not take our lives to silence suffering. That’s going overboard. Balance, harmony, peace - too much to ask?  Help us Jesus. 

Peace

Stretch

Rollin’

Yeah!

That’s what we all want: peace. does it only come with death and does it even come then?  Reminded this week, suffering is the reality of life. Sorrow and joy, He says every day  That does not include contentment does it?

Quote from Robin Bloor,  6-1-26, The Lost Herald:

The Self You Didn’t Choose

Gurdjieff hands you an uncomfortable idea and refuses to soften it. You are not one person. You are two, and you have spent your whole life mistaking one for the other.

He calls them essence and personality. They arrive together, grow together, and answer to the same name, so you assume they are the same thing. They are not. In the Paris talks of 1922 he goes further and counts three machines born with every man — body, essence, and personality — and he insists they have nothing in common with one another. They form independently. They develop independently. A man can carry a bold body, a cowardly essence, and a brave personality all at once, and never notice the contradiction because he never looks.

Start with essence, because essence starts first. Essence is everything you were born with. Heredity, type, temperament, character, nature, raw faculties — the equipment that came in the box. Gurdjieff calls it purely emotional and puts its centre of gravity in the feeling centre. When he is being blunt, in America in 1924, he says it plainly: essence is “I.” It is everything that is genuinely yours. His own example is almost comic in its simplicity — I have a swarthy skin, and I remain as I was born. That belongs to his type. No lecture, no library, no change of address will alter it.

Now personality, and here the knife goes in. Personality is acquired. It is, in his word, accidental. It is built entirely from what you hear and what you read — education, opinions, points of view, the information and convictions that change daily and cancel each other out. Today you believe one thing and want it badly. Tomorrow, under a different influence, you believe and want something else. None of it is yours. It is, he says, a dress you wear, an artificial mask, the result of upbringing and surroundings. And because it is borrowed, it can be stripped off fast. Hypnosis can rewrite your convictions in half an hour. That speed should frighten you. You cannot hypnotise away a man’s essence in half an hour, or in a hundred years. You can rearrange his personality before lunch.

This is the test that cuts cleanly through the two. What you cannot change is essence. What you can change is personality. Change in personality is easy. Change in essence is perhaps impossible. And here Gurdjieff sets a trap for the self-improver. Essence grows until about the age of five, maybe a little longer, and then it largely stops. After that the levers are set. So the man who reads his way to a new philosophy at forty has changed nothing real. He has reshuffled his personality and left his essence exactly where it was at five years old — small, untouched, and waiting.

The two behave nothing alike, and once you see the difference you cannot unsee it. Personality is talkative, clever, easily convinced, and built around a single centre — the formatory apparatus, the mechanical part of the mind. Essence is many-centred but mute. It has no critical faculty. It is trustful, timid, apprehensive. You cannot argue with it. Your mind knows it ought to love everyone; your essence simply cannot, and no logic will move it. Your mind knows the ghost is a hallucination; your essence is afraid of it anyway. Will belongs to personality. Essence has no will at all — only desires. So the part of you that is genuinely you is the part that cannot speak the language in which you give yourself orders.

Gurdjieff dramatises this with his horse-and-cart. The body is the horse, the mind the driver, the personality the reins, and somewhere a master who should be giving directions and almost never is. Once, he says, all the parts shared one language and worked together. Then the language was forgotten. Each part went off to live on its own. Now the driver shouts and the horse flicks flies with its tail and understands nothing. You command yourself constantly. The horse — your essence — does not even hear you. Elsewhere he is grimmer still: we have two strangers in our house and can do nothing with them. The strangers are your own feeling and your own body, and you have never learned their names.

Why does any of this matter? Because Gurdjieff’s whole project hangs on it. When he talks about development, he means the development of essence — never personality. And development, he says, is not acquisition. It is reconstruction. The question is to reconstruct what has been lost, not to acquire anything new. You are not adding a skill. You are digging back down to something that was buried, because each year a man puts on a new mask, a new dress, until a thick crust covers the essence entirely. The work is removal, not accumulation.

There is a mechanism, and it has an odd, almost paradoxical shape. As personality is observed, it becomes passive, and then essence grows and becomes active. You do not attack the mask. You watch it. Watched honestly, it loses its grip, falls quiet, and the buried thing underneath finally gets room to move. Which is why sincerity sits at the centre of the method — sincerity with oneself, which Gurdjieff freely admits is the hardest thing of all. A man will be honest with a friend before he will be honest with himself, because looking down through the crust he is afraid of what he might find: his own nothingness. Most of us drive those thoughts away to dodge the remorse. The crust thickens. The stranger stays a stranger.

So the distinction is not a tidy piece of psychology to file away. It is a verdict. Almost everything you call your character — your opinions, your certainties, your sense of being a particular sort of person — is rented furniture, swapped out without your consent every time the surroundings change. The real article underneath stopped growing while you were still in short trousers, and it does not understand a word you say to it. Gurdjieff’s claim is that only a conscious man can even tell the two apart. The rest of us go through life loudly defending the mask and never once meeting the face. 

 

Give me strength, Lord

Walmart shoppers

Guide my actions and beliefs and thoughts,  led. Let kindness be my essence IJN

I don’t mean to forget you

 

Friends  Dogs work small miracles

But here I am at the dreg ends of the day after a phone fight with S realizing I’m angry and worried I can’t cope.with quick image of blowing my brains out. I don’t like this complex of suffering, in self, as surrogate, as bossy incompetent manager resented by all mu”loved ones.” Jesus show me the way. And thank you for the blessings. 

June begins

Thank you

Looks like a choir of angels preparing to sing 

Lord have mercy. I ignored or forgot you today. So much help is needed. Help me to provide it adequately and wisely. Keep me strong. IJN❤️

What day is it

Favorite place favorite beings 

Confused. Many times.  But Plorf thank you for pleasant quiet times. I know that is not the state for everyone. iJN

A new day. Everyday.

Yellow azalea from my fragrant shrub,

Pelted down my hard rain today

 No entry on Saturday.  Must have been too tired or totally forgetful 

I am thankful for C’s visits. And for I. 

Life goes on

Lord  thank you. And help

Lord. One word to remind me of your importance always. I pray for I’s safe  interesting but uneventful journey. I pray for JG’s recuperation  of rights and rep, of righteous redemption.  Show me how and when. IJN. Lord. 

TYJ

DJ pic: fishing tournament at sunset

I’ve been initialing wrong for months. It’s not TNJ it’s TYJ.   I beg your pardon. The intention was good, Lord. lord   Lord

  It’s ok:  I was using INJ. Which. I definitely need to pray daily.  When a day goes so smoothly and interestingly as today I do feel like saying praise Jesus and thank you, gracious Lord. This must be the contentment, nay, Joy that LvL talks of daily. 

Lord

Guess

Therefore, when you set yourself to this work and feel, by grace, that God has called you to it, lift up your heart to God with a gentle stirring of love. Intend God who made you, redeemed you, and called you—but receive no other image or concept of him.

Indeed, even these need not be retained unless you desire them; for a naked intention directed toward God alone, without any other motive, is fully sufficient.

If you wish to clothe this intention in a single word, so that you may hold it more firmly, choose a short word of one syllable—for the shorter the word, the better it accords with the work of the spirit.

Such a word may be “God” or “Love.” Choose whichever you prefer, or another word of one syllable that pleases you. Fasten this word to your heart so that it never leaves you, whatever may happen.

This word will be your shield and your spear, whether in , inner Christianity, peace or in struggle. With this word you will strike the cloud and the darkness above you. With this word you will beat down every thought beneath the cloud of forgetting.

If any thought presses upon you asking what you want, answer with no more than this single word.

And if the thought offers, from its great learning, to explain the word to you or analyze its meaning, say to it that you want the word whole and undivided—not broken apart by explanation.

If you remain faithful to this practice, the thought will not linger long. For it finds no nourishment when you refuse to feed it with sweet reflections.

   Lee van Laer, Inner  Christianity, Substack, April 17, 2026, Chp. 17, The Cloud of Unknowing

I love this. But I have to admit I am not a contemplative

“Stealing again”

No mow May, I guess. Red is OK with it

 I post this because I need to remember it

“TRUST YOUR SPIRIT. Universe is not demanding any great thing of you at this moment. It's only asking that you trust your Spirit and share your gifts. You know in your heart of hearts what your Spirit is gifted at sharing with others. Now is the day to do it. Don't be shy as others need your love and kindness now. And rock on in this crazy world. Love and peace Kate”

Lord abide with me today, and guide me, Sweet Jesus.  Bless and protect my loved ones and help them to see you. IJN

Where’s my energy gone to?

 

Wet, dandelion symmetry

Feel so lackluster. Lord, shine me up IJN

Too lazy for my own good

Next stage of the apple tree, 

thank you for that beauty Lord

Two webinars today one good one not good And sat down to watch TV all day and what’s the point?

Can I in all honesty? Pray God be with me when I won’t even be with myself.?

Truly complete

 

Sunset Wednesday

Lee van Lear post on Morning Five sub stack today:

The fundamental condition:  The path towards light

I am  an inhabitant of this body. 

I dwell within it, 
deeply rooted in its nature, 
so much so that it is easy to think that we are one thing, 
yet it is more difficult to sense it 
because my awareness always separates itself from my sensation 
to one degree or another. 

And this is the moment when I bring them together 
here in the same place with one another 
and I allow the very gentle and intelligent movement of the breathing 
to help bring in an energy that will bind them together 
in the single state that they actually inhabit together. 

It's useful to come to the bottom of the breath and begin there. 
To rest in stillness. 
And then to breathe in the revolution of substance 
that takes place as the air meets the blood. 

The involution of substance where substances are taken into the body, 
which are needed in every moment to support it. 

Every cell and the molecule alive 
with the energy that the breathing brings to them. 
Every muscle in the body participating by letting go a bit more 
so that it is more relaxed to receive this goodness. 

And each breath that I take in can help to remind me 
that in this life, which leads towards death
I have the opportunity to be a creature 
aligned with the forces of this planet 
and of life itself. 

Not a creature aligned with politics, 
or science, or religion, 
or the humanities, 
or business, or money. 

Not a being aligned with greed, or ownership, 
or despair, or exhilaration. 

A being aligned with being itself, 
which comes before all things, 
here and now, 
as the fundamental condition within my sensation. 

This fundamental condition of being within sensation 
grows countless roots within me. 

I find that every cell is touched by the tip of a rootlet 
that brings it what it needs to work for being here. 

And for now, dwelling in the gravity of this planet, 
I sense the tip of every rootlet as it reaches down. 

I begin to understand that in some mysterious way 
that cannot truly be explained
there is sorrow here in the atmosphere of the planet, 
and equally there is joy. 

And as I breathe in, 
they are part of the fundamental condition of this life, 
which is moving towards death. 

And that although they seem different, 
they are partners in life and being
that blend here in the body 
to bring a greater life than can be known with the mind or the body. 

So I become more sensitive to feeling now 
and without touching or manipulating any part of it,
I see how sensation and sorrow are the fundamental condition of being. 

And I see how being and joy are a fundamental condition of their own, 
equally present, equally needed here. 
And now the energy, the feet and the hands, 
is more aligned with being. 

The solar plexus has reassumed its rightful role 
as the governor of the lower energies in the body 
and the connection to this planet Earth. 

And the heart begins to remind me of the way 
in which it governs the upper portion of the body. 
And the breath begins to remind me of the way 
it connects the heart and the solar plexus 
in order to help unify this being in sensation. 

I sense the wholeness of the body. 
I sense sorrow and joy here together in this life which leads towards death. 
And I very quietly celebrate the presence of glory 
in the stillness that gathers itself here. 

Dwelling in this fundamental condition for a moment, 
I see more clearly through the sensation itself 
the way in which it feeds the roots of being 
and deposits substances here 
which will be needed in this day 
to support the life and truth and being of other creatures 
to whom I have a sacred being duty 

Today I hope, by acting while rooted in this fundamental condition 
to bring real intelligence to my life 
to bring compassion 
to manifest the goodness that I have been given 
and to work to bring love into the world 
here where it belongs 
so that it can live more fully in all beings 
and in everything that takes place under the light, the sun 

and for this I need help 

therefore I say Lord have mercy 

In relationship to the fundamental condition of this being, 
here and now 
I say, Lord have mercy. 

Oh beautiful

 

My favorite apple tree good; promise of many apples

    Something prettier for this blog and many thanks for the beauties you give us, Lord

Thank you, Jesus

On the Hannaford path an hour ago

For your help, for your guidance, for getting me through the day. Felt good to be so busy and to have the energy for it

Lord Abide with me

Sunset an hour ago what Beautiful color

  Give me strength toget through the next few days and take care of the homeowner problems that I’ve got and agreed to, especially cleaning, rearranging furniture and disposing of it. Pretty specific ask, I know, But it does occupy my mind. Along with upcoming grandson’s visit and S’s cc problem, and Zio patch. It’s a lot. I need help. IJN. And thank you where and when help comes, especially JP God bless him. And bless each member of my family and friendship Circle  Thank you

Give me patience and strength

 

Thank you for pups at play

Look at those coats on Five nights ago

Lord have mercy. I don’t love high heat no more than cold Good thing I didn’t don’t live in Jesus’ neighborhood I guess

Lord

The whole enchilada

Help us, Jesus

I wish I could

 

Through a glass dimly. Friday PO pic

Write think work like Lee.  From Today Substack morning five:

Before I close my eyes,
I spend a moment here 
in relationship with the comprehensive sensation of my body 
in order to remind myself 
that it is the blending of this sensation 
with the incoming impressions of life 
that can make a difference in my nourishment. 

And that the aim, the aim here and now, 
is to develop a more intimate relationship with this energy 
so that it will be present always and everywhere. 

What can I say?

 

Rainy daypost office yesterday

Catch you later, Lord? 

Is that the best I can do so caught up in commercial laden TV movies?  

Now what?

 

Waiting room

Now I lay me down to sleep. 

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take. 

Thank you Jesus

 

New maple leaves at T’s house

I like this photo

For all the many blessings you bestow on us. 

Lord help me live   I am afraid of my heart symptoms 

“O Death.  O Death. Won’t you hold me over for another year.”

Very high BP  red face tonight. Pulse not so high. Took extra 30 mg propranolol. 11 pm

Still I’m making plans for tomorrow. 

Lord bless all my dear ones, IJN. 

Guten Morgen

 

4-17-26. Dog Park Trail, something growing

     Works. Strike the first do. See a paltry self satisfaction.  Accept it. Acknowledge Jesus. God. My own being. The being of others. With thanks  IJN

Empty nest

  

In the rhody bush

 Webinar was good despite friction of Ston presence. Kept me awake I think. Robin reminded me that the morning sitting Strikes the do of the day. Very important  Word, help me do it properly and Consistently  IJN

I find it sad

 

Broken yolk 

In bloom

Neighbors pear tree in Bloom

I’ve never seen pears on it

 Copycat again from Liane earlier this morning, daily five Substack:

“ The quality of the exchange I undertake and engage with in regard to the outer world is in the end determined by the quality of my connection to this sensation of being….

Rooting myself here in the beginning
 in the cosmological force of my own being, 
I have a chance of resisting what comes in from outside 
and I will not become its slave.”

Quiet, can’t say Peaceful

 

Somebody ‘hood: Nason’ Corner 5/7

   Lord move us quickly through this period with of war with a finale of lasting peace. Is it too much to hope and pray for?

   I don’t feel like I will live much longer. My afib and muscle weakness are disturbing.  Is death peace?

Nochmals Grüß Gott!

Basilica de la Sagrsda familia, 

SIL’s pic 4/24

Abide with me today and with those I love. Give me a strong conscience and right direction, in Jesus name

Closed heart

 

But not then.  Wide open, 2008

    That war movie keeps repeating in my head, like a toxic meal, prompting depression and restlessness. Body feels poorly today too, want to do or feel nothing, even if I push and say thank you for the sunshine, little dog, and easing of some recurring symptoms. I have such an easy life that it seems hard as I spend time watching minutes and hours digitally flow on my iWatch.  God help me!  Do I really want to be helped?  And when I don’t, isn’t that when I die?  Waiting for Godot. 

Don’t forget

 

       Christ says, I am the way and the truth and the life. (John 14:6.)

     

First things first

 

Pitiful. Homeless, high 

on Bayside trail yesterday

Weird green man closeup

   I was dreaming I was at bro’s house. He was taking good care of me. Fixing dinner: pizza, w/steak or pork chop on top?  How novel! In the woods. Sil had something to say about dinner, typical objection/complaint 

   Secondly Lee van Lear today, reminds 

   “  I begin here as I am whatever condition I am in. 

I agree with myself to relax into that condition 

so that I inhabit it with the entire organ of my being. 

My whole being is an organ of perception. 

     

Borrowing again

Neighbor’s nature

“Gurdjieff says

There is no compulsory, mechanical evolution. Evolution is the result of conscious struggle. Nature does not need this evolution; it does not want it and struggles against it. Evolution can be necessary only to man himself when he realizes his position…3

So even with this apparently simple question regarding an aspect of Nature in ourselves, in relation to Gurdjieff’s thought, we come across much material requiring further chewing. Then, with the realisation of how I misjudged the depth encompassed by this subject, and the fact that I actually “understand,” even mentally, practically nothing after all about this, evokes also a certain emotional state, akin to, or approaching, that vital condition called by Gurdjieff “to realize one’s nothingness.”4 If I can experience this without identification, it is the very place from which an ascending octave can begin…

For the present, simply the bare question remains. Yet, in this very void, it is now possible for something to flow, as it were, with great force. Obstructions to this flow are, relatively, and perhaps only for a very short time to begin with, abolished. It is an opening. And, after all, life and its possibilities come to us from above  ISM 47, 57, 218” from Till Siegel Substack, Journal of Gurdjieff Studies, 4-6-26 What is Nature for Gurdjieff?”

Shiver

   

In South Portland

In the ‘hood

Flowers in Bloom thank you for the color but it’s awfully cold out. That wind!

Thank you for it all

Scary bad a-fib last night

 

Sending myself flowers from the ‘hood

       Around 7:30 pm right after my walk, food prep, and supper,!for about an hour, I felt.  High hobo measured -  159/90 if memory serves, pulse consistently around 141, headachy. I took my evening pills—propranolol and eliquis— plus an extra 180 mg diltiazim dated 2024 (I know better, but I was scared. 

    The whole incident got me thinking of the complications of our life since tha crash on march 12. Of If I die now. It could happen. No loved ones here to help with the transitions. Or support survivors, ir Red and my husband. This is hard .  Even thinking , do I call the doctor?  Weekend. Don’t want ER and hospital or ambulance. And eventually that may be inevitable. Not happy with my will and distance from lawyer or funeral home selected with A, also too far away. All down to no nearby caring relatives, as I saw when my parents and their generation passed.  So I’m worried. May be getting depressed and withdrawing. 

     S would come down to help her dad and Red for a while.  There’s a comforting thought  

     Help me, help us, great healer great Healer. IJN