Not again

 

Empty nest, Yesterday in the park

     So I created another argument in webinar last night, this time rudely, insistently interrupting the nonstop essence talkers.  S hung up, after calling me a bookworm, as if to insult.  

     That’s three times this month I’ve made people dislike me. I’m not liking myself. I must be doing something wrong, which might prove to be movement towards the desired “goal” of objective conscience.  My discomfort shows me I ain’t got that and that I’m not indifferent as I wish I was, should be.  

         Am I starving among my people? I sense that I want to cast them all aside, as my gal S has done, find some agreeable friends who like and. respect me. Am I being egocentric or truly not receiving what feeds my trogoautoegocratic process?  I possibly could be suffering à la Parktdolg duty, which may coat the kjb, but it’s rough.  

     Thus do I dare ask you to rescue me,  Lord, like Peter or Jonah, from sinking in this dark, tumultuous sea of self?  Lord have mercy.  Especially if these “lessons,” this friction, is my medicine. IJN

New lenses

Reflection close-up, Monday

     How can they not know they are rich?  You said let those who have eyes see. You did not say those who see will feel dismay when others don’t see.  Human consternation is not your problem, however, and therefore I should give it up. Money is indeed the root of evil, if evil exists. If it doesn’t, money is at least the root of all our flights over power, over who rules whom, over has and has not.  That’s my take away from the Monday night webinar exchange, and why we never see eye to eye or tolerate the possibility of our own blindness.  

     Relinquishing this “wise” impression is so difficult, though I acknowledge it’s only a vanity -certainty that I know best- that separates me from Objective Reason and, that untrusted word, Joy.  Someone wiser said this week, let nothing stand between you and the joy of living. That makes the most sense to me.  

     Would it be sacrilegious or impudent or merely playful to nickname you Joy, Lord?  Do you have enough names already?

     Lord of joy, I am truly grateful for the material position I enjoy in this life.  Send your angels to take the scales from all our eyes.  Thank you. IJN

     

Trail redux

 

Moose tracks?  They area big hoof prints

We  smell something interesting. Let’s roll in it

Do I smell like it now?

My mother was right. Silence is golden.

High places

 

Little Kennesaw Mountain from big Kennesaw 4-3-14

High places are sacred places

One of my favorite places of my whole life

     Gird your loins, Nita used to say frequently. I miss her and Diane W, friends who have gone before me. I do so little these days; they helped me stay involved in life. And I am grateful for C who does the same with her daily visits in this last year or more.

     Lord I used to think I was good at making friends, but I don’t make efforts lately. I’ve stopped, eg, going or caring to go the RB church since cold snap, and I’m skipping PSC Friday encounters with live people; then there’s the rift with sis L.  No excuses. Just no interest. I should pray, help me change but not sure I want to.

     I will pray bless the ones who still live in my thoughts in all the ways you will. And forgive us all our debts as we forgive our debtors.  IJN

     Lee, quoting Orage, on learning to observe:

     “ It is desirable, to begin with, to have a few categories or questions into which to pour one’s observations. Let us choose the following: origin, history, relations, use and future.”

     “ At first, not only will you discover, to your surprise, both how much you know and how much you do not know, but the difference in feeling between observing, thinking, remembering, reasoning, imagination and fancy.”

Shadows

 

Yesterday

               When I walk, let me walk close to thee.

     Words fail me. Nothing to say:  to anybody about anything. Stillness or sleep or depression?  So I thought I was dis’d at a webinar last weekend developed a slow burn over a few days. Then it occurred to me that I’m reallyangry at myself for being truly speechless at these talk fests.

     I make no efforts , let alone super efforts.  Drowning in TV., that is, sleep. I know it changes my brain.  And so much real sleep. Lord help me live my life .  And I hear a similar malaise in I’s lyrics.  Lord heal his malaise. Guide him. IJN

Valentines

Thanks to festive neighbors 

Their displays are received by me as an act of love

God bless them