Remorse of conscience

 

Slide

Suffering the memory of my egregious sins and errors, internally, not confessing them aloud, provokes remorse. I hold human secrets, secret shame.I am taught that the blood of Jesus washes all my sins away, but I cannot let them go, ie feel relief of forgiveness.  Does that mean I don’t believe and thereby compound my sin?  Feels like a big yes.  Name it remorse of conscience. God may forgive me, but I won’t.  I clutch  the results of my past choices,  the kernel of personality. A tarbaby, wearing a painful sense of rejecting the great gift of God, not trusting a greater goodness than my own self, thereby compounding my Sin. I can only pray to that source, help please. I believe, help Thou my unbelief. 

   I heard the rebbes say Hashem valued Noahk as a righteous man for his time, not quire up to snuff, so he was punished while he lived so he wouldn’t need to be after he died. Rough paraphrase. Does it, can it comfort me? It leaves me with a punishing God who acknowledges mankind’s inherent evil and demands justice.  Din. Is that my real belief?  Is that what GIG intended to destroy?  

S at ER tonight, tightness in chest. Overwork, heart stress. Bedrest due to overactivity advised. So many questions raised.  I push them too hard. Do I really?  Cassandra.  Well, pray, God help her IJN

Prayer

Blending in, two days ago

 Lee van Laer, Inner Christianity Substack this morning,  A Practice of Prayer, re: M Eckhart Sermon12

When he says, I have chosen you, he means that when we pray, we enter a personal relationship with God, which God himself has called us to. He calls us to him. 

And he says, I have fed you. This means that the power and the energy, the sensation of God’s grace, flows into the body from heaven. 

And he says, I have stilled you. And this is the stillness that descends into being when we still ourselves for prayer. it is the same as the peace which passeth all understanding. And this is a stillness not just of the intellect, but of the entirety of our being, which becomes very, very still, and as it surrenders its movement, empties itself so that God may enter. 

And then he says, I have established you, which means that God’s presence becomes real within our bodies and reaches into the depths of our very soul.

And why is this done? 

Why does God touch us there when we enter a deep state of prayer? 

It is because we should go forth and bring forth fruit, and that our fruit should remain. 

That is to say, that the insemination of us by God’s good energy should put seed within us that bears fruit, the fruit of love and goodness, and that we should digest some of that food, that fruit, and bring it forth into life as a new fruit of its own, a fruit of goodness and grace.

So what he’s saying here is that we pray in order to receive not our own presence in God, but God’s presence in us, and that it is our duty to take that food in, that bliss, that sweetness, and to take it in as deeply into the tissue of our being as we can, and to let it propagate and bring forth good fruit, which we shall bring out into the ordinary world to share and to 

   •       •       •

ACTS 

Adoration 

Confession

Thanksgiving 

Confession

      •       •       •

Ask, and ye shall receive

      •.       •.       •      

Pater Noster, 1662 Book of Common Prayee

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name;
Thy kingdom come;
Thy will be done
in earth, as it is in heaven:
Give us this day our daily bread;
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive them that trespass against us;
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil;
For thine is the kingdom,
the power, and the glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen

         •      •       •

Hebrew

Morning prayer, before arising:  Modeh Ani:

I offer thanks to You, living and eternal King, for You have mercifully restored my soul within me; Your faithfulness is great.

מוֹדֶה אֲנִי לְפָנֶֽיךָ מֶֽלֶךְ חַי וְקַיָּם, שֶׁהֶחֱזַֽרְתָּ בִּי נִשְׁ

Shema: Cover your eyes with your right hand and say: Hear, O Israel, the L-rd is our G‑d, the L-rd is One. שְׁמַע יִשְׂרָאֵל יְהוָה אֱלֹהֵינוּ יְהוָה אֶחָד׃ Recite the following verse in an undertone: Blessed be the name of the glory of His kingdom forever and ever. בָּרוּךְ שֵׁם כְּבוֹד מַלְכוּתוֹ לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד You shall love the L-rd your G‑d with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be upon your heart. You shall teach them thoroughly to your children, and you shall speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road, when you lie down and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign upon your hand, and they shall be for a reminder between your eyes. And you shall write them upon the doorposts of your house and upon your gates.       •   •    • Itadakimasu Gochisousama desu/deshita  וְאָהַבְתָּ אֵת יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ בְּכָל־לְבָבְךָ וּבְכָל־נַפְשְׁךָ וּבְכָל־מְאֹדֶךָ׃ וְהָיוּ הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה אֲשֶׁר אָנֹכִי מְצַוְּךָ הַיּוֹם עַל־לְבָבֶךָ׃ וְשִׁנַּנְתָּם לְבָנֶיךָ וְדִבַּרְתָּ בָּם בְּשִׁבְתְּךָ בְּבֵיתֶךָ וּבְלֶכְתְּךָ בַדֶּרֶךְ וּבְשָׁכְבְּךָ וּבְקוּמֶךָ׃ וּקְשַׁרְתָּם לְאוֹת עַל־יָדֶךָ וְהָיוּ לְטֹטָפֹת בֵּין עֵינֶיךָ׃ וּכְתַבְתָּם עַל־מְזוּזֹת

    

                    

Thank God

 

Dear friend

Edited version 

  Not much to pray today. Feel rather empty, though grateful for Rabbi Gordon Chumas about Noach and Lee’s prayer. Also grateful to be more upbeat with A. Lord help me to navigate my relationship with DD appropriately. And not to offend S. IJN

Guten morgen

 

Night scene 4:45 am. But he didn’t stay

Dreaming about 7 part competition—with whom? Distracted by a side octave-need to repair prior work. It was taking too long, but much better maybe best. Golf cart transportation. Pasting toilet paper ears on constructed mouse, adding white rope to overhead plant festoon. Sisters with me, at least C; nattering. 3?

 Is the advice:  just decide to be content?  That’s easier on your heart. Let D do the worrying?  “promise me” you’ll call worries me somehow. My lack of trust. 

Lee van Laer, Inner Christianity Substack today, “Prayer for October 12”

“O Lord, 

I am come again here to this place with thee. 

For this alone is the place of miracles 

here in being. 

And this alone is the place of glory 

that fills the heart and stills the soul 

so that your peace can be known 

here and now. 

And although each breath leads me forward into the unknown, 

You have me in your hands to guide me. 

For this breathing, 

I give thanks. 

For your glory and your goodness, 

I give thanks this day. 

For your goodness can be sensed throughout creation 

by every creature who receives it, 

and your truth is indeed everlasting. 

O Lord, 

I call to Thee from the depths of my own iniquity. 

I have not yet delivered myself sufficiently unto Thee; 

I know not how. 

But I know that even so, 

you are always with me here. 

Lord, have mercy.  I am come again here to this place with thee. 

For this alone is the place of miracles 

here in being. 

And this alone is the place of glory 

that fills the heart and stills the soul 

so that your peace can be known 

here and now. 

And although each breath leads me forward into the unknown, 

You have me in your hands to guide me. 

For this breathing, 

I give thanks. 

For your glory and your goodness, 

I give thanks this day. 

For your goodness can be sensed throughout creation 

by every creature who receives it, 

and your truth is indeed everlasting. 

O Lord, 

I call to Thee from the depths of my own iniquity. 

I have not yet delivered myself sufficiently unto Thee; 

I know not how. 

But I know that even so, 

you are always with me here. 

Lord, have mercy. “

Comforting rainy night

 

For the beauty of the Earth,

 Just crossed the street now

Thank you Lord for the glory of this your world and for eyes to see it

    Bless my loved ones, including the ones I’ve never met in person. Bless the attendees of A&E conference. 

    Thank you for Chabad’s Rabbi Josh Gordon of

Blessed Memory and learning from him. Thak you for sending helpers and A hearing me in my overwhelm

  God forgive my sins especially since I feel I don’t deserve forgiveness. Repentance and remorse I lay before you without expecting you to truly pick them up. I have failed to meet the mark: sin Jesus, wash me in your blood, redeem me with the price you paid. Yet can I go and sin no more?  If so, only because of the frailty of age rather than the frailty of my personality. IJN

No plans

 

S pic

To be

On yesterday’s walk

Lee Substack daily five today, I will be here,

“ Where will I find myself today? 

I do not know. 

Yet through sorrow and sensation, 
and breathing and joy, 
and grace and goodness, 

and glory, 

I will be here.”

Dream fragments:  on a n excursion with C. Memory of Lazarus store, now converted into dark old wood interior, coming down escalator to first floor by front entrance. This used to be cosmetic counters I bought a perfume here-was it volcane de nuit?  The sales clerk looked like a countess, but sounded like a hillbilly—shocking.  Go to pay—12:00 to 5:00 looks like , the man (BE?) says jovially. A has two square, hefty light machines $5/600 @. Oh.  I see you came prepared. You planned to get these.