Lord boost our patience and gratitude for this day and its events. Help me see and correct my unbecoming actions before it’s too.late. IJN
flaubertvanlaer@substack.com from Lee van Laer’s substack, The Flaubert Report, today
I Want Them Back
We were gathered together in luminous room 24, myself and the enlightened one.
“Oh illustrious enlightened one,” I said. “Why then wilt thou not enlighten me?”
On enlightenment, the Tathāgata then proclaimed the following:
“Full enlightenment is bad for people.”
I looked at him in sheer astonishment.
“WTF,” I said. “How so? That can’t possibly even be.”
“It turns out,” said Lord Buddha, “that sitting around in the absolute bliss of infinite attainment of being is kinda, like, well… counterproductive.”
“Counterproductive?”
“Well, yeah. You know, after I attained full enlightenment, as you know, I began teaching people.”
“While I was still stuck down there in hell trying to get my passport renewed, mind you.”
“Damn.” Lord Buddha slapped his knee. “You never told me about that. I would have sent a Bodhisattva. Well, anyway, turns out I was a way great teacher. Who knew? And before you knew it a whole bunch of folks had attained enlightenment under my direction. But it turned out all they did after that was sit around on their butts in full lotus poses, telling everyone how great enlightenment was.”
“You don’t say. That might explain all that Buddhist art.”
“Yeah, I mean, you never see Buddhas doing anything, do you? They just sit there. It’s not like Soviet statues. You know, workers of the world unite and that kind of stuff? I mean, in those statues people are always getting things the fuck done. Hammers and guns and agricultural machines and stuff. But not these enlightened buddhists I produced. They did Nothing. Nada. Nichts. In fact for them the whole point was Not Doing and Contemplating the Nothingness of the Eternal Void. That kind of crap. It turned out enlightened people were about as industrious as cabbages. And, I mean, there is in fact a physical limit to how much just sitting around doing nothing you can do. It began to create traffic problems.”
“Traffic problems?”
“Yeah, they were everywhere. Sitting in aisles and on streets and stuff. In hallways. You couldn’t get into the kitchen for example, because your husband was fully enlightened and he decided to be blissed out in nothingness right there in the doorway. Stuff like that.”
“I see,” I replied. “But what does this all specifically have to do with me? I mean, I’m little; I don’t take up that much space. I can’t even sit in a proper full lotus pose because I’m a dog. So it seems to me I’m, like, a very low-risk prospect when it comes to enlightenment. If you enlightened me people would hardly even notice.”
“Oh, they’d notice all right,” said Lord Buddha, waving one serene index finger at me. “They’d notice. An enlightened dog would stick out, because there aren’t any. Now are there?”
“Tell me all about it.”
“Yes, well. The fact is, it turns out people weren’t meant to be fully enlightened. Not while they’re alive, anyway.”
“Wait a minute… what are you telling me here?“
“People are created… the whole universe was created… to work towards enlightenment. Not to just have it. If you don’t work to get it, it’s worthless. And once you get it the whole journey is, like, over.”
“So you’re, like, done? It’s all in the work, not the achievement itself?”
“That’s right. Done.”
“That’s pretty irritating. And what about all your Bodhisattvas?”
“Done.”
“I still don’t get it.”
“Don’t you see?” said Lord Buddha.
“See what? You look perfectly fine to me. Serene, happy, filled with everlasting joy. Relaxed, content, fulfilled. What’s your beef?”
“It’s boring,” said Lord Buddha sadly. He cast a dejected stare down at the ground. “I mean, everything done. Nothing left to attain. No mountains to climb, no rivers to ford, no inner poisons to purge, no lusts or desires to conquer.”
“I should think we’d all be better off that way. No?”
“I liked conquering emotions and vanquishing desires,” complained Lord Buddha. “It made me feel powerful. It was fun.”
“I thought the whole point;” I said testily, “was to do all that and then finally get some rest, instead of perpetually chasing from one end of the cosmos to the other on an endless series of missions to correct an infinite number of situations that appear to be egregious mistakes on the part of various and sundry cosmological beings. Like Gurdjieff indicated in that tedious book of his. Not, by the way, necessarily limited to mistakes by Archangels,” I added. “From everything I’ve seen I think God does indeed bear some real responsibility for all this repair work that’s needed. I think he’s flat-out dodging the rap there. This is, after all, his back yard.”
“You’re probably right. But in my own case, there’s nothing to do now. You can’t imagine how frustrating it is, to feel perfectly content with all and everything there is, without exception.”
“Nonsense,” I pointed out. “You’re managing Bodhisattvas all day long. Tending to the ill. Expounding the Dharma. Gathering the Sangha. Gongs, meditation sessions, Tai chi. All that stuff. I mean, you’re one of the busiest guys I ever met. Have you even seen the line of people out there waiting to meet with you?” I gestured dramatically with my paw.
“Yes, yes,” agreed Lord Buddha. “But once you realize everything is an illusion… it all seems so… so futile, you know. So pointless, so very mundane. I mean, if none of it matters, then what does matter?
“So you’re telling me that complete and absolute fulfillment is completely unfulfilling?”
“Yes,” admitted Lord Buddha. “Life has lost its meaning. I can’t even enjoy a simple spin around the wheel of Karma any more. And, I mean, as the Buddha I suppose I can handle that. If I have to. I mean, if it’s part of the job, it’s part of the job. But if even the dogs were to discover life actually had no meaning…” He sobbed.
“There, there,” I said, slobbering on his ankle a little to cheer him up. I rolled over and offered him my tummy to pat; he took me up on it. “It’ll be all right, really. I still love you. All dogs still love you. What would happen if that took place?”
“Dog love, Flaubert is the foundation of the entire cosmos. It would literally collapse if you were all enlightened.”
“Yeah, but I’m just one dog,” I said. “Just because you enlightened me wouldn’t mean all dogs were enlightened.”
F“But that’s just it!” shrieked Lord Buddha in a completely unBuddhist manner. He leapt from his chair and literally rent his garments in anguish.
“Stop that!” I said in alarm. “Saffron Buddha robes are expensive!”
Lord Buddha proceeded to wail.
“If I enlighten you, you then will inevitably want to enlighten all other dogs! That’s how it works!”
“Holy guacamole,”I said “you mean…”
“Yes! Enlightenment is infectious! It’s contagious!”
“You’re overexcited,” I replied. “Calm down.”
“And knowing you,” Lord Buddha said sulkily, “You’d do it. Before you know it dogs would no longer even be offering tummies to pat. They’d all be sitting around in full lotus positions.”
“Half at best,” I said comfortingly. “Dogs are anatomically unsuited to the full lotus.”
“Flaubert, Flaubert, Flaubert,” Lord Buddha sobbed. “I am SO SORRY!”
“There, there,” I responded. “I understand.”
“I hate you for being like that,” said Lord Buddha. “You are far too forgiving. I’d like it if you would just for once get mad at me.”
“How can I get mad at you if I love you?” I asked. “Isn’t our relationship more important than full enlightenment? I mean, if I were that way, how would you feel about it?”
“Like crap,“ admitted Lord Buddha, wiping away tears with the hem of his robe. “That’s the other thing. I’m not enlightening you because I’m selfish. I love you the way you are. Without all the enlightenment stuff. You’re already good enough.”
“Well, gee, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s said about me lately,” I noted. “Everyone else keeps telling me they wish I was different. Less of a pain in the ass; especially satan, he says that a lot. The only one who doesn’t is Jesus, and He doesn’t count. Besides, I thought full enlightenment purged you of all lower creaturely impulses and emotions such as greed, lust, avarice and selfishness.”
“Unfortunately,” said Lord Buddha. “It does.” He sniffed. “But I want them back.”
