God help me

Vanitas

     I repeat.

     I feel like I have been rudely thrust into a world that is far too complicated. 

     I may exaggerate, if I say life has always been a struggle, not so joyful, not beautiful as I wish to declare it.  Is it a gift or a curse you give us at conception, Lord?  Should I even ask?

      I review in mind the personal calamities and breakdowns that mark my aging personally, especially recently.  I am also touched by news reports of murderous events, this time the hanging death of a teenage Iranian wrestler by his theocratic regime.  I feel my heart wring physically. I go numb. 

     Lord why?  You are sad, too, so can or will you do nought to help suffering humanity?  I want to plead to you,  “Rescue us!” But I don’t believe you will. Or that we can rescue ourselves, despite all the helpers and forces for good that I find all around me. I’m in the wilderness.  Death starts to look like a door out, if a cowardly one that leads me to abandons those I help. 

 

    Lord, if this is not despair I feel, it’s damn close to it. So again I can’t help crying, Omnipotent,  save me, Jesus help us, God have mercy,

An answer, a comfort, comes.  Lee van Lear, Daily Five, Substack today:

“ And I see that I am brought here in goodness, 

in life, and in being 
to own what takes place 
to earn my place in it 
and to assume the responsibility of being a living creature 
here in this solar system 

I can only recognize my responsibilities and duties 
by turning to the authority of every cell in my body 
and listening to their own vibration. 

For they have no doubt as to their purpose 
and yet I must bring more than this alone.

For no creature can be found by God unless it has doubt in it. 
And no man can find God 
without the doubt of everything that drives him forward through life. 

No woman can find God 
without the doubt that drives her forward through everyday life.
 
So we come together here in the unknown. 
All of us Uncertain. 
Questioning. 

Searching for a deeper and more spiritual connection 
to this energy that flows throughout the body— 

willing, perhaps, to accept the conditions of life itself. 

A place of the unknown, 
moving forward into the unknown
with only light and love to illuminate it in the end. ”